Am I Connected to My Body?

written August 2021

Am I connected to my body? I knew something wasn’t right.

Did I give myself cancer?

I have always said I am the healthiest fat person you've ever known.

Obese.

That’s what the medical records say.

What an awful word.
What an awful feeling.

Weight and health are directly linked.

I know this. And yet, I still can’t lose the weight.

I guess I have been slowly killing myself most of my life.

Now my body is revolting.

It is screaming, stop.

I am doing yoga, working out, acupuncture….

And still, I can’t lose the weight. I want to, I know I need to and still…

I have no idea why.

Trauma.
Body dysmorphia
Childhood.

The list can go on and on.

But right now, I have no one to blame but myself.

I had a bad day yesterday.

I started fine. I went to the gym, which is a huge accomplishment for me.

But it went downhill from there.

I honestly don’t know why.

It was so bad I took a Xanax. I rarely do, and it didn’t help.

I could not get out of my own way. All I could think of is I’m going to die, and it’s all my fault.

During chemo they tell you to eat, they don’t care what you are eating. But that doesn’t seem right.

Once they ruled out a bad gene, the doctors didn’t seem concerned about why I got cancer.

And they definitely didn’t talk much about how to keep it from coming back.

It felt like their best advice was here's a maintenance drug and just… wait and see.

What about changing my lifestyle?
What about staying healthy?
What about the things I can actually control?

I guess that part is on me.

Where is my “ah-ha moment"?

Today has to be better.

Two days like that, and it’s not good.

I walked this morning with my friends, so starting out well.

Let’s see how it goes.